I Thought I Found My Purpose, But…

I thought I found my purpose, but then I found out about something that cancels out everything that I’ve been looking forward to and working on for the past nine months.

I’m feeling heavy. My life has changed in many ways since my father began fighting cancer, to his eventual death in June of this year. Of course, it was hard for my family and me. Until now, we haven’t gotten over the loss of the head of our family.

Apart from still mourning, my father’s death led to a lot of realizations and things that need to be taken care of, like properties and such. I am already living the reality that change is inevitable. It is happening, and I am not prepared at all.

At the start of this year, I blogged about going out amidst the pandemic. I shared that I had an upcoming project. Despite the hardships of this world that we currently live in, I remained optimistic. Even though my dad was struggling towards his eventual death, a part of me was hopeful because I thought I had found my purpose. And that was that project.

I wouldn’t have written this very personal blog post, but I think I need to. They say that journaling will help when we’re down. This blog post is highly personal, but I feel that sharing this publicly will also help. Anyhow, I won’t divulge any deeper issue about the project; I’ll share mostly my feelings towards it.

I Thought I Found My Purpose, But…

So what is the project all about, if you may ask? Well, it’s the recording and releasing of my band’s music. We’ve been together for fourteen years now, and this is the first time we’re taking it seriously. I’ve been so excited about it, and despite all the hardships I’ve experienced so far, it kept me sane.

What’s more exciting about the project is that there is art involved in it. We are a cartoon band. My boyfriend already started the art, and he’s currently doing the first music video. Even if it was unpaid work, he is passionately doing it. Hence, for all the good reasons, for nine months now, I was very excited about the band, the music, the marketing, and all the works. I thought I finally found my purpose, and to be honest, I’m still hoping that it really is my purpose.

I’ve been with the band for many years, and even though there was no real upscale to our status, I stuck with it. I loved performing, recording, etc. And I also treasure the friendship I have with my bandmates. When we went on hiatus in 2013, I got depressed but eventually moved on. In 2015, I took music courses, and it meant that I wasn’t giving up. We came back together in 2017 and performed and wrote new songs.

In 2019, our leader’s past band got together again after being separated for so long. They made new music and even recorded their old ones during the lockdown. Upon hearing this, I was happy for them. And eventually, I gave up on the band that I formed with our leader. It wasn’t until in December last year that he asked to record our songs.

At first, I thought the project was only for remembrance and archiving purposes, but then it got our motor running. We thought that maybe if we market our music, it would have a following.

I got very excited. For several months, we’ve been working on the band’s concept (‘coz it’ll be a new one), my boyfriend’s been putting all the effort into drawing the band members, I’ve attended music and marketing seminars, and read a lot of books for this endeavor. And yes, I’ve been learning a lot, especially since I also blog about artists and how they do their marketing and distribution.

However, to my dismay, until now, the master recording of our music has not been finished. Most of all, I found out the real reason why, which I won’t mention in this blog post. Upon realizing it, I was mad and fed up. It has almost been the same reason why the band never pushed through since our early days.

It seemed like I found my purpose, and now I’m feeling like giving up. But then, it gets complicated because a lot of effort has already been put into this project. Apart from that, I’m starting from scratch again–in finding my purpose. It’s not like we’re going big as a band or that it’s my only purpose, but at least I found my purpose–a purpose that I’ve wanted since I was a kid–a purpose that got me through all the chaos and struggles of my life.

What I Plan to Do

Well, at some point, I’ve been putting off a lot of meditation and journaling, but this situation has got me pumped up in doing so. Yes, I’m feeling down, but right now, I’m going to look for another purpose–I’ve been working on it–WRITING! I’m improving The Pop Blog and, recently, this blog as well. I’m thinking of putting this blog into a niche, like perhaps motivational or fashion. Apart from that, I’m thinking of going on an internship and perhaps further studies on writing, marketing, or business (perhaps I might as well put up my ad agency or a music PR and marketing business in the future).

While I’m writing this, my boyfriend shows me an update on the band’s first music video animation, and it’s fantastic! We’ll continue working on it, but I’ll also focus on my other endeavors. I won’t expect too much from it, especially from my bandmates, but I promise to work hard on its marketing, distribution, etc. We never know; some opportunities would come up for me and my boyfriend.

Last year, I wrote about counting my blessings. Despite being down at the start of this blog post, I have a lot to be thankful for. See? Writing about your feelings helps a lot. I feel a lot better now. If you also have a lot on your plate right now, write about it on your blog or your journal. It works!

I’ll continue writing about my journey here. Thank you for reading. <3

The copyright-free images used in this blog post are from Unsplash. Cover photo by Lee Scott.